The intensity of arguments change over time
In 1980, I wrote a book about marriage - Intimate Partners - in which the oldest couple interviewed was in their late forties. I got a lot of flak about that from older readers, who wrote to me and said, "Hey, what about us? We're still alive and kicking! Why exclude the marriages of older people?
I recognized the validity of that complaint, but for the next twenty years I never really returned to the subject of couples' relationships. When I finally decided to do so, and began talking with couples in their older adult years - including some of the pairs that I'd interviewed two decades earlier - I was in for some surprises! I was finding a lot of contentment and well-being in marriages that had been tense and stormy the first time around.
I was buffaloed. Much of my writing life has been devoted to identifying and solving problems - but the folks I was talking to were in an unexpectedly good place. It wasn't that they were without issues and differences - but they seemed to be on the same page when it came to resolving them.
Here's an example from my own long-married life. My husband and I were lunching with dear friends when the issue of the Israeli-Palestinian conflict arose. The discussion became very heated very quickly when my husband raised his hand and said "I have a proposal. Let's stop this discussion now." The other couple laughed, and so did we, and we turned to other subjects, including political ones upon which we agree.
The interesting aftermath of this incident is that whenever my husband and I get into a heated discussion - and we just had one about where we should spend our next vacation - one or the other of us raises our hand and simply says the word "Palestine." We laugh, and we drop the subject right there. It's become our magic word for respecting the fact that each of has espoused a strong position - and it's really not worth fighting about.
It took us a long time - believe me - to get here.
Maggie, what a wonderful story. It made me smile so thanks.
You and your hubby realize what I've learned during my years as a mediator. You have to focus on what matters most: your relationship. Too many partners would rather be right and win the fight. What they ultimately lose is respect for each other.
My hubby is a very left brain, precise guy while I'm much more right brained and fluid. If you heard each of us tell the story of our meeting, you'd swear we weren't together- we notice different details. This caused a tremendous amount of bickering early on, but now we chalk it up to our 'styles', sometimes relying on the other to add their special perspective to a story or event.
We've only been married three years. We're a midlife couple. Maybe that's the secret: either the marriage or the couple have to be a bit old. :)
Thanks again for the giggle.
Dina Eisenberg
http://www.thismarriagething.com